I haven’t been wasting my time away from you, LiveJournal. I have been watching terrible horror movies.

Netflix Watch Instantly is a jealous mistress, and she keeps me on a short leash. Luckily she keeps pretty good records too. Here are the last twenty or so horror movies I’ve seen, with stars out of five and commentary brief enough that even I won’t get bored with it.

5ive Girls – 3 – Troublemaking girls (spoiler: five of them) are sent to Evil Catholic School. Bonus points for Ron Perlman, negative points for stereotyping every single character. Engaging, though.

Dead Calling – 2 – Dull and unsurprising. Both stars are for Sid Haig.

Vampire in Brooklyn – 4 – You know what I like in my horror movies? Panache. I enjoyed this movie start to finish and am not afraid to say so.

Tales of the Black Freighter – Presented outside of the frame of the Watchmen universe, it loses the subtext that gave the gore meaning.

Wilderness – 3 – Tries to be an updated Lord of the Flies, gets points for the effort and the accents.

Brush with Death – I lasted twelve minutes before I realized the dialogue was all dubbed over, and that I was going to have to watch five indistinguishable girls be assaulted and killed.

Grace – 3 – An extremely interesting premise with atypical characters, it still falls short of its aims by succumbing to the flaws in Rosemary’s Baby even while trying to subvert them. I’d like to write something longer comparing those two with First Born someday. Also, it has Ellen from Supernatural!

House of Fears – 2 – Teens in a haunted funhouse get murdered one by one, supposedly in accordance with their deepest fears. Yawn.

The Crazies – 4 – A well-put-together, if not actually creative riff on the zombocalypse theme.

Dead End – 3 – An impressive low-budget, small-cast, three-set piece considerably enlivened by the older actors (Laura Palmer’s dad is in this!), despite a not entirely unguessable ending.

Cropsey – 4 – A documentary on the Staten Island murders; more heart-wrenching than anything else on this list by a long shot.

The Descent: Part 2 – 3 – Not its predecessor.

Shiver – 4 – Cute and different. Seriously, half of the best horror movies I’ve seen this year have been in Spanish. Bonus: stars the kid who played the ghost in The Devil’s Backbone.

Wicked Little Things – 2 – I can barely remember watching this. That’s how compelling it was.

Joe Dante: The Screwfly Solution – 3 – Why did I give this three stars? I’m knocking it down to two. Full or partial gendercide has been done before, and better.

Carrie – 3 – I hate knocking the classics, but when every character rubs me wrong in every scene….

Teeth – 4 – Not for everyone, but at least it was something new, for heaven’s sake.

The Burrowers – 3 – Notable for starring no fewer than three minor Lost actors! Weird west. Silly.

Carriers – 3 – See: The Crazies. Engaging, competent, and very, very, very familiar. But it has New Kirk in it.

Asylum – 3 – Another one I barely remember. Maybe I should knock this one down to two stars as well.

Fingerprints – 3 – Glancingly based on the urban legend that if you park on a railroad crossing, ghost children will push you off. (Don’t. They won’t.) This (like Dead Calling, above) strains credulity in the Nightmare on Elm Street fashion: can a town really bury a secret so deeply that the teenagers don’t know about it?

Zombieland – 5 – Just. Freaking. Great. 😀

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